CHILDLESS WITCHES - A scene taken from "YAGA" by Kat Sandler -

YAGA comes across the stage. We’re still in house lights. She speaks directly to us, getting us to sit down, etc. She pours and takes a few shots of Ukrainian vodka over the course of this monologue.

YAGA: Hey! Hey! Hey! Let me ask you. (light shift) Do you have child?

Or are you childless?

What a thing to say. As if you’re somehow less without child.

But, let’s talk about childless witches.

Childless witch helps two kids escape their shitty parents, lets them eat

her nice candy house, she gets burnt to a crisp.

Childless witch helps royal couple get child, doesn’t get an invite to the

christening, organizes a nice long nap for princess, witch gets sword

skewered by a prince.

Childless witch protects young girl by putting her in a nice tower, girl

gets knocked up by prince, witch loses her forever.

Things do not work out well for childless witches.

But can you think of any other kind?

When was the last time you heard of a wicked witch . . . with a baby? A

mother witch? I mean honest-to-God practises-magic-dances-with-the

devil witch . . . who is also a card-carrying member of reproductive

society?

Never.

So, we get pushed into ovens, stabbed with swords, and chased by

dwarves—little fuckers.

So, why not just have kids? Why not pop out a few buns, if only to

delay the stake, the cross, the rack.

WHY NOT?

Is it a biological issue? Are we all somehow, truly barren? When you

make that deal with the devil does she take your uterus?

She takes a shot.

No! Of course not.

Or is it that no one will fuck us? Because we are evil, or have bad

manners and don’t floss?

She takes a shot.

No! Of course not!

Is it because we are old, and ugly, as the stories KEEP REMINDING US?

Because we have teeth where our pussies should be?

No! Of course not!

We have magic, motherfuckers—we are fascinating and sing

beautifully. We talk to the trees and have MANY EXOTIC PETS.

Then is it . . . that the men who tell our stories are . . . scared of us?

And a witch with a child . . . that would really scare them . . .

Because they know that through children we will live forever.

And they’d rather we . . .

Poof.

Disappear.

Better to say we eat children than that we have children.

So it seems to me, to us, that the first thing you should concern yourself

with, as a witch—

She raises the final shot to us.

Is how to live forever.

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

You can buy the extraordinary play here.