💖💖 💖 THREE OF US - A scene taken from "YAGA" by Kat Sandler - 💖💖💖

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YAGA: Three is a good number. Three wishes, three witches, three words. Three parts of a story. Three bears, three fates, three Stooges. 

You can make decisions with three—you can get things DONE. 

So, every so often, there must be a baby. Now, we all have a say, but the youngest decides, it’s her body—we only ask that she not take too fucking long. 

First you have to find the man. That sounds easy, but it’s not, because there are so many men, and so many of them are stupid. Stupid men make stupid babies. And nobody wants a stupid baby. So it is important that he is clever.

The other important thing is that he’s handsome—being handsome doesn’t make a better baby, but it doesn’t hurt. Besides, we have to fuck him and that’s more fun if he’s good-looking, that’s just the truth.

Now, how it works: the man is drawn to us. Pheromones, smell, how our hips sway: magic. He devours us with his eyes, breathes us in, and imagines fucking us with his very soul. As for the fucking, I don’t have to tell you about it. It’s very good. We are fantastic in bed. Sometimes we throw in tricks, we have a nice time. Once is enough, for the baby. But sometimes we do it more. If we want. Me, I always want. So sue me, it’s fun. 

And of course, there are magic words. And let me tell you, magic is fucking hard. But a baby is magic, so it’s worth it: Without her, there can be no beginning, no middle, no end. So there must be three because three is forever.

And timing . . . is everything: You can’t fight time. It always runs out. Tick tock.

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💖💖💖💖 Buy it from: Amazon.com: Yaga eBook : Sandler, Kat: Tienda Kindle 💖💖💖💖

CHILDLESS WITCHES - A scene taken from "YAGA" by Kat Sandler -

YAGA comes across the stage. We’re still in house lights. She speaks directly to us, getting us to sit down, etc. She pours and takes a few shots of Ukrainian vodka over the course of this monologue.

YAGA: Hey! Hey! Hey! Let me ask you. (light shift) Do you have child?

Or are you childless?

What a thing to say. As if you’re somehow less without child.

But, let’s talk about childless witches.

Childless witch helps two kids escape their shitty parents, lets them eat

her nice candy house, she gets burnt to a crisp.

Childless witch helps royal couple get child, doesn’t get an invite to the

christening, organizes a nice long nap for princess, witch gets sword

skewered by a prince.

Childless witch protects young girl by putting her in a nice tower, girl

gets knocked up by prince, witch loses her forever.

Things do not work out well for childless witches.

But can you think of any other kind?

When was the last time you heard of a wicked witch . . . with a baby? A

mother witch? I mean honest-to-God practises-magic-dances-with-the

devil witch . . . who is also a card-carrying member of reproductive

society?

Never.

So, we get pushed into ovens, stabbed with swords, and chased by

dwarves—little fuckers.

So, why not just have kids? Why not pop out a few buns, if only to

delay the stake, the cross, the rack.

WHY NOT?

Is it a biological issue? Are we all somehow, truly barren? When you

make that deal with the devil does she take your uterus?

She takes a shot.

No! Of course not.

Or is it that no one will fuck us? Because we are evil, or have bad

manners and don’t floss?

She takes a shot.

No! Of course not!

Is it because we are old, and ugly, as the stories KEEP REMINDING US?

Because we have teeth where our pussies should be?

No! Of course not!

We have magic, motherfuckers—we are fascinating and sing

beautifully. We talk to the trees and have MANY EXOTIC PETS.

Then is it . . . that the men who tell our stories are . . . scared of us?

And a witch with a child . . . that would really scare them . . .

Because they know that through children we will live forever.

And they’d rather we . . .

Poof.

Disappear.

Better to say we eat children than that we have children.

So it seems to me, to us, that the first thing you should concern yourself

with, as a witch—

She raises the final shot to us.

Is how to live forever.

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You can buy the extraordinary play here.